I have began a few 'heavy' posts lately, filled with emotions, and the thoughts going on lately, but I never can bring myself to finish them and post them publically. The last couple of weeks have been really hard for me, this weekend, today....well today it all came 'pouring out' literally. In a fit from being redirected today, Z slammed his head into my face...oh my, how it hurt. My face is still sore, I have a couple of cuts inside my lips from my teeth. Oh it hurt so bad. I reacted with some lovely words, and put him in his room for timeout. Then I sat down, and just burst into tears. Only it wasn't b/c of the pain....well maybe a little, but it was really just a release of everything that has been building the last couple of weeks. I sobbed....I tried to cover my face as all 3 big kids were watching. R just sat on the arm of the chair, and put her arm around my neck and comforted me....and listened to me pour my heart out about how much I love Z, how hard I fight for him, and how helpless I feel, and how hard it is to be his mom. Little C even came over and climbed up in R's lap, and just laid his head on my arm and kept hugging me. Oh melt my heart. I was surprised at how comforted I felt when my daughter put her arm around my neck. She is always my girl that takes care of me when I am sick....if I am in a bad mood, she comes to me and asks what she can do to help me. The other day when I'd had a bad day, she gathered up her money and asked if I would take her to the store, so she could buy me a coke. Her arm around my neck today, comforting me while I sobbed, was just what I needed.
A big cry can really make me feel depleted, which is how I felt for half the day. Then I picked myself up, and tried to come up with some solutions to help Z with his sleeping troubles...the #1 issue at our house right now. His lack of sleep affects everyone, and everything that goes on here.
So, instead of crying, and whining "woes is me" on here like the post I wrote in my head today, I will share you sweet pictures I captured of them today.
totally unrelated, but does anyone know what kind of snake this is? My hubby killed it in our backyard today.
3 comments:
BTDT-I am currently sporting a shiner around my left eye. I cried too. Somedays, it is just overwhelming. Hoping today is better for you and Z!
I am so happy you cried. That is what we do when it is too much and as you said "We feel Better". The Lord knew what he was doing when he made us to cry. For some reason we think we must keep together and then everything is still okay. When really crying it out may not change what is, but it helps clear our mind and our heavy heart.
Oh and being real is so good for me. I too am moving there more and more in my post. You know we have said we are much the same, and my deal with being real is the fact that I have been raised to know someone other than me has it so much worse and I should just be thankful. How dare I feel bad about my gifts???
Yes okay so much of this is true, but so much of it is not at the same time. I have to tell myself when I am real it is not me saying I am unblessed. It is just me saying I am having an off day and I am a real person with real feelings. So remember that and feel good about being real.
I know you are on go all day. With so many people needing you and even when it is hard if you were to ask what you want to do when it comes down to it, this is what you want. You want to be with your kids.... it's just harder at times.
So also know harder does not need to hold the guilt of I don't want this or I can not do this. It is just a hard time, we must lay into the Lord.
I am praying for you.
Oh and I wanted to tell you I LOVE the photograhs ending the post. Sometimes we just don't have the words or we just don't have it in us to pull them out there.
As I looked into each photo as I ended your post, I saw a very happy family. Beautiful happy children. Hope to see you in the am~ Catherine Anne
I've only just come across your blog from Catherine Anne's site. But just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone on those days ( weeks!)where this parenting thing just gets so completely overwhelming at times. I've been there, in tears, in despair over in particular one of my children more often than I care to remember. God is close in these times. He knows our broken mother heart. He cares. He's even in control!
Beautiful pictures and praying lots of sleep your way xoxo
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