First Day of School pics.....again!

On August 24th, our 3 oldest children started public school.  That is just 1 1/2 weeks after school started.  I have stayed quiet about it on here an fb for almost a month.  I just haven't been able to talk about it.  I am embarrassed to admit that yet again, I put my kids in school. Not that I think my kids going to school is a bad thing....just embarrassed that I have changed my mind again.   But my silence has also left me feeling like I am hiding something, or a fraud, especially to my homeschool friends that I still talk about school and activities with them, but haven't said a word.  I WANT to be a homeschool mom...it is definately the lifestyle my husband and I want for our family.  It works well for our family, and with his work schedule.  So why would I put them in school again?  I was just struggling.  Too many responsibilities lay on my shoulders.  I weighed everything out, and prayed lots and lots.  I prayed about this decision more than I have any other times in the past, and every single time, it looked very clear that public school was the decision for us.  I needed to be a good mother again.  I needed to have enough of me to go around.  I needed to be able to enjoy my children again.  I was at the point I wanted to just cry at the thought of getting out of bed each morning.  I know it may sound crazy...after 1 1/2 weeks of school.  I had been feeling this way all summer.  I had horrible, horrible anxiety about our homeschooling year starting.  I just didn't want anymore time to go by and me see that I still felt the same way...I wanted the kids to start school at the beginning of the year so that it would be an easier adjustment. 

 Do you see the shirt N is wearing?  That is how he describes his sister's learning style at home.  When I see that photo, that is how I felt too!   L does SO much better in a structured school setting.  She can't take the choas here at home.  The other 2 don't care.....but LOVE being around other people all the time.  I remember that.  I hated getting up in the mornings, but I loved being around my friends each day. I just need to be around people.....(I guess that is why I have 4 animals and 5 kids....with the hopes of more).  

They are doing well.  The biggest adjustment for is all is just adjusting to the schedule....and the fact that we don't have as much play/hang out time as we used to.  I miss that terribly.  I miss them terribly.  As in, when 1:00 gets here....I just watch the clock until 3:00 b/c I can't wait to leave to pick them up.  I want to hear everything they have to tell me about their day.  I like this new "non-stressed" feeling.  It is a weird feeling...like something is missing....but it is nice.  My children all deserve to have a momma that isn't stressed out. 

 These 2 are missing them too...I can tell.  It is strangely quiet here each day...so much sometimes it hurts my ears.  I am finding my new normal.  And know, when we get our home open to foster again in just a couple of weeks, I will yet again find a new normal, and will probably be busy enough I won't feel so lonely in my home anymore.  Our family is all excited to be on this new journey.  The kids are having fun experiences at school, are learning that you sometimes have to do things you don't like to do, but the good outweighs the bad.  They are making friends, and they LOVED getting to have a Grandparents' Day party at school, and all of their grandparents came up...it was a special day. 

We are starting HIPPY for Z.  I think it will be good for us, and will soon be getting their weekly therapy started back up too.  Always things to keep us busy!!

 Z is struggling too. I know it is hard for anyone to see or understand that behind this smile, but he is having a very, very hard time controlling his little body.  He is SO INTENSE all-the-time....it is stressful for him, me, and baby C.  I have been to 2 doctors that just offer me no help at all.  I have an appointment next month, and am worried it is my last result so I PRAY there will be some help there.  I honestly believe we are at the point that medication is the only thing that will help him calm down.  I have tried everything else, and that barely scratches the surface with his intensity.  I have withdrawn from talking about it b/c I am just sick and tired of people telling me "he is just 3", or "just love him the way he is".  They have NO IDEA.  The doctors say he is just too young for medicine....but I don't think they have any idea either.  I am at the point that I rarely leave the house with him b/c I fear for his safety.  He is SO strong, SO fast, and NO control of his body what so ever, and it is hard for me to control him too....so we  just stay here.  I cannot leave the room hardly even to pee when someone else is not home.  He is a precious, precious soul, and he deserves every opportunity in this world.  I am praying we can find something to help calm him soon so that he can continue to blossom.