"the things I've seen"

Not long ago, I was looking through some paperwork, and I came across a folder that has some papers of our former foster children.  I didn't keep much, just basically my papers saying that I was their foster parent lalala....but in those papers, I found a newspaper clipping I had saved.  When we got our baby T, (the baby that had been shaken) my hubby was at work, and a co-worker showed him a newspaper that had a clipping about a baby that had been shaken, and it was our baby.  He brought the clipping home to me, and I saved it.  Today when I was reading it, over 2  years since he came to our home, it still choked me up.  The very last lines said, "he is now living in a foster home".  Our home.  It chilled me to the bone to read the words about how he had injuries caused by his parents.  All I could think about was that precious, innocent baby that was so sick, and screamed from pain and fear, and no telling what else after being in ICU and in the hospital over a month.  A baby that was on the verge of death twice, that I threw myself down on my knees and begged God to save his life.  A baby that now has a new mom that is beautiful inside and out, that loves him to pieces, that was a match "made in heaven".  A baby that taught me I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be, and he taught me not to be scared of disability. 

That article got me to thinking about "the things I've seen", or heard, or lived through.   Stories that are like something you would see on the news, in newspapers, in a movie....but they are very real.  It has changed me in a way where I will never be the same, I will never look at the world, or a child, or a news story the same.  Some of those horrible stories are part of my family now...forever etched into my heart.  Recently I was talking to a friend about how war, or going over seas can change a person from the "things they've seen" over there, and it got me thinking how that experience to me seems similar to living in the world of foster care.  It has changed me so much from the person I used to be.  I have so much more compassion for other people in this world.  I am not concerned with things like I used to be.  I remember the last wedding we photographed, with everyone dressed up, drinking, dancing, money spent,  it was the week we had been placed with our Baby T, all I could think the whole time was how different the world I was living now was.  That is when I knew for sure how much I had changed. 

A mother that was abused by men at a very young age, very close to the age of my own daughters.  Sold for drugs, not shown any love at all....who in turn, had no idea how to protect her children, how to show them love. Didn't protect them in the womb, and abandoned them.  A father so addicted to drugs that he even though he sobbed for his children, he just couldn't stop for them.  A mother that was so disconnected, she couldn't show emotion when she visited her baby.  A baby that was much more bonded to me in just a month's time, than 7 months with his mom.  A 7  month old baby that couldn't  hold his head up from neglect, who will now have life long effects from neglect and abuse.  Babies exposed to every drug known to man, with no care in the world for their safety.  Abandoned at the hospital, born in a car, and trapped in a carseat while their parents cooked meth...and these are just my stories, my kids' stories, I know so many more of other families that live this with me.   Things I know about my own sons that I wish I didn't know.  A child shaken so hard he was near death, and will forever have severe brain damage.  Beautiful, beautiful children, full love and life.   Parents so wrapped up in their own cycle of abuse, they can't change.  Having more children, wrapped up in the same cycle.

I also know a lot of good.  Out of my 6 foster children, 2 have been adopted by us, 3 are in the process of being adopted, and 1 is with her loving grandmother.  I have been able to keep up with all of them and see their happy endings.  I have met some amazing families, and have seen a lot of happy endings.  I am able to stay in contact with our children, and even get to be "the best foster mom ever" to our sweet little M (that is what she says to me...oh it warms my heart!)...who gives me that title with pride, and even called our dog Max her "foster dog".  I am so glad it was a good experience, and not traumatic for her.  I think in her mind, she just gained an extended part of her family. I have seen these abused, neglected, and hurt children be loved, and thrive, and begin to heal.  I have seen them touch many lives.  I have met many amazing other families that are caring for these children, that are loving these children.  ""The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."  Matthew 25:40.

When I found that article, I was looking through paperwork to work on reopening our home again to foster.  I don't know if we will do respite, or take on 1 child full-time, and I don't know where it will lead for the future.  Amazingly, now that I have seen what I have seen....I am more scared now than I was 3 years ago, even though the end result of that journey was 2 beautiful children, and a relationship that I would never trade with 4 other children.  Now I know what I am really getting myself into.  It is far from peaches and roses.  It is a hard path to walk.  But it is an amazing journey, that I have been blessed to be on, and to be on again.  I do believe whole-heartedly that the Lord has led us to foster again.  I just can't say "no" to him.  I can't just say we are done, when there are still children that need a home, and we still have space in our home for a bed for them, and a lot more love in our heart.  I had someone recently as me, "how many is 'enough' for you, when will you be done?"  I don't know.  I said, "I will be done when DHS tells me there is no more room in my home for a child", that is when I will feel like it is o.k. to say I am done, b/c until then, I have a space for a child that needs it.  I remember when I used to dream of a 4 bdr home so that each of my 3 bio children could have their own room.  Now I look at our 4 bdr home, where everyone but 1 shares a room, and think "there is room for 1 more" and how could I make room for another.  Wow, I have come a long way.    I truly feel guilty to not foster at this point.   I just have to keep doing what the Lord has called me to do.  Has called so many others to do. Do I think everyone is called to foster or adopt?  No I don't, and I am not passing judgement on anyone that doesn't, but I do feel a lot more are called to do it that are just scared to take the leap.  It is a scary leap to take...but when you know that the Lord is calling you to do it, and you trust in him to lead this journey, there is so much peace that comes along with that leap.  I am not always patient, I am a little crazy (well maybe a lot crazy), I have a busy and over-full life.  But, I do have a family full of love, and a desire to help a child heal, be safe, and to feel loved.....and that is all you need.