Today is one of those days that I am just in a funk. It doesn't come as a surprise to me...in the last 2 weeks, we have spent 5 days doing state mandated testing in another town, a hearing doc apt for little C that revealed he has fluid on his ears causing him to fail his hearing test just like bigger brother did, therapies as always, planted a garden, our hampster died, we got a new dog, and we had an extra child sleepover for 2 nights this past week. To top that all off, being off our normal schedule, one little boy hasn't been sleeping, and another screams at me pretty much everytime I am in his eyesight. So, I didn't really wonder 'why', I just wished that I wasn't in that funk today, since my house has also suffered from being off our norm. Then this evening, after beating myself up all day for being in such a funk, I took my temperature, and I have fever. So really, that could be my main reason I couldn't tolerate anyone today! haha A BIG thank you to my kids today for having good manners, and helping me out when I asked. They really did do a good job.
Honestly though, I just want to run for the hills. I am ready to get back on a normal schedule, and have a little bit of simple time. We will get there sometime, I am determined! I suggested to the kids today that we pack up half of our clothes, and 75% of our toys, and just put them in the garage, and go 1 month without them, and see if we miss them, or if we enjoy being able to find what we do have, get washed what we have, and put away what we have without being overwhelmed. Of course, just taking on that project in itself makes me tired thinking about it before I get to the end result. It is one of my short-term goals. I also need to hide all the dishes again. My simple plan of everyone having to wash their own dish was marvelous....haha, but only lasted about a week before they all found their way back into the cabinet.
I also need to hang this photo of my smiling boys in the fridge as a reminder everyday of what blessings they are. I love them so much, but they make me very tired. I long for the days when our older children were little, my mom and mother-in-law both helped us out so much. My mom would keep them one day during the week, (or more during the times I worked part-time) and my mother-in-law kept them every Friday night. Daddy C and I would go out to eat, and do our grocery shopping....it was so nice to have that time together, alone...it is truly what got me through the week. I long for those days. I wish I could have one even once a month now! Our kids love their grandparents, and love to see them, and that break did me a world of good.
Our boys both actually qualify for theraputic daycare, and I struggle with the decision of putting them back in or not. I want a break, but I don't want that much of a break...I think they do well being at home, and I want to have them here....but then I think...maybe that is the Lord's way of giving me the break I need...and I am not using it. I don't know. In some ways, I wish that wasn't even an option, b/c on hard days, I just think...oh they could be at school right now, and then I could enjoy them when they get home. Even though that wasn't the reality, and the reason I pulled them out in the first place. I felt like I never saw C b/c he goes to bed so early, and Z...well he would just have meltdown after meltdown b/c he had been keeping it together all day.
Theraputic parenting is hard. Very hard...and doesn't allow for a sick day or an off day....b/c it makes everything that much harder. I have plenty of tools to use that help them adjust to daily life easier...but the reality of doing that the way I should everyday? Well it just doesn't happen....life gets in the way. I get tired.
And, as if I haven't complained enough tonight, today I came across a blog post talking about the Toddler Years and FASD. That list of traits for toddlers with FASD, fits Z to a T. I am telling you, he is everything on that list. I read it and think...no wonder I am so tired at the end of the day! haha I also see many of those things in little C. The older he gets, the subtle things that I have always seen are getting more and more noticeable. He doesn't have the delays though...and it frustrates me to hear docs and therapists say he is perfect. Even someone that works with FASD said that to me the other day...I was a little surprised, and frustrated...as I have been trying to tell her from day 1 that I have concerns about him, and she has always brushed him off b/c he doesn't have all the obvious things that Z has. Little C is the child that makes me question myself as a parent everyday. He acts better for everyone but me...and boy does he let me have it! I think...what am I doing wrong? all-the-time...but I keep trying to remind myself that I am the same momma I have always been, with all the others...and the truth really lies in his bio mom...the things she pumped into her body for 9 months. Oh, sweet boys...I am so glad that you are mine. I am glad that you came from your mom, b/c that made you the people you are, that I love so much. I am so proud to be your mom through adoption, but some days, I just wish I could have carried you in my womb, to love and protected you, the way that I will spend the rest of my life trying to protect and love you.
3 comments:
Oh girl! Do I ever understand about wishing you could have carried your little ones in your womb. Today I was thinking about how angry I am with Sylas' birthmom for the FAS. I wish I could just grab her and shake her and say what in the heck were you thinking! How could you have done this to my baby! And then I remember that this child is mine and there are so many wonderful amazing things I would never ever change in him and the FAS is part of that. And luckily I get to raise him and love him and protect him forever. And maybe go a little crazy in the process. :-)
Thanks for your comment on my blog today. Connecting with other parents has been a lifesaver for me and is really helping me feel not so isolated and alone in this process.
Wow. I have so many comments, and I'm trying to keep them straight in my head.
First-- fluid on the ears. All of my boys have ear issues (genetic.) My Ethan, who is 9 now, had recurring infections, failed hearing tests, and had delayed speech...until finally getting tubes (and some other work) done at 18-months. Then he had speech therapy until he was school-aged. The tubes were a miracle cure. Might want to look into that.
Second-- I love your idea of packing stuff up and getting it out of sight, to see if you even miss it. I have four TUBS of toys in my attic, and the kids don't miss them a bit. I may take some down and re-give them around Christmas (and pack up the stuff that's laying around.) We need to do that with clothes, too.
Way to be proactive!
Third-- give yourself a break. With all that activity AND a fever, anyone would feel in a funk. Take a bath, drink some tea, whatever helps you. You're doing a great job, even on the funky days!
Fourth-- maybe your little guy only scream and acts up around you because he's testing (subconsciously) your love, which might matter more to him than anyone else's? If YOU can still love him in spite of the outbursts, then he can feel secure? Just a thought. (Psych minor, with no fostering experience, so I'm really just throwing the thought out there...)
I don't know how you do it. And I wish I was nearby to give you a much-needed break.
Praying that good, easier days are ahead.
Hang in there. Can I get you a sitter to give you a break? Maybe you should try the theraputic day care for a while. You could see if C does the same with the daycare folks. It's probably the primary person who's doing things for him. It might change the dynamic between the two of you. Did you get sick? Hope you are better by now. I'm just now out for Easter. What's up with you?
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