I can't believe my baby is already 11 months old, only 1 month away from a year! Wow, how the time has flown. I am so proud that he is my son officially now. I get very overwhelmed with emotion when I think about that. Things were very rocky for awhile, and I really thought he wouldn't be mine. I just kiss and hug him, as I always have, but before it was a longing, fearful, I don't want to let go hug, and now it is just a joy, happiness, sigh of relief hug. It is so hard to put into words the emotions I have been through this past year. I love this little guy so much. My heart knows no different. If anything, now my heart knows the feeling of loss. I used to say while we were fostering, that it felt like my child had been given a serious diagnosis, and I was on pins and needles everyday, wondering if my child were going to beat this, or it if would be terminal. I don't mean any disrespect to a mother that has gone through that with a child, and I haven't been in that place to really compare, but just living everyday, wondering if I would lose him, forever, that is how it felt for me. I grieved a lot.
Today, though, I rejoice for the life of this little boy. I thank God everyday for his plan for our family, for his plan for these boys. I thank him for choosing me to be his mother. I am so gracious, and I smile as I think of all the times the Lord has shown himself to me. I think about the day that we were so nervous going to court for Z, not knowing what that termination hearing was going to hold for him. I think about the numerous times I prayed for C. I knew their mom was pregnant, but nobody even knew where she was, when she was due, if the baby would come into care, if we would even know about it when the time came, or able to take him in. I prayed for that baby. I prayed that the Lord would protect it, bring it safely to this world. That it would find a family that would love it as much as Z. I also told God that if he wanted me to be the mother of that child, I was on board for that. I was open to where he would lead us, and for him to work it out, I was leaving it totally in his hands. I had no idea what that day would hold when we went to court that day. Our baby T had left just 3 weeks earlier, we had taken a small family vacation, and we were taking a break, so we could focus on our emotions leading up to Z's termination. His dad was in the picture, and we didn't know how that was going to go.
When I look at the above photo, I think about the moment we heard C had been born. When my husband nudged me and said, "let's take that baby, that is what we should do, it is Z's brother". I knew the Lord had heard my prayers. I remember my excitement driving home from court, I couldn't wait to tell the kids about Z's little brother. I was beside myself. I walked in and said, "court went great, and guess what? Z's baby brother was born, and they are on the way bringing him to our house right now!" Oh the squeals and excitement!
I think about the months we fought so hard to keep these boys together, and I questioned myself, if I was being selfish, or if it really was the right thing. Look at this picture, of course it was the right thing. This little boy is loved and adored by so many people. I am so overwhelmed with emotion when I think of the life he could have had, if his mother hadn't made the decision she did, and I think about how much we love him. I am so glad the Lord guided us on this path.
Today, though, I rejoice for the life of this little boy. I thank God everyday for his plan for our family, for his plan for these boys. I thank him for choosing me to be his mother. I am so gracious, and I smile as I think of all the times the Lord has shown himself to me. I think about the day that we were so nervous going to court for Z, not knowing what that termination hearing was going to hold for him. I think about the numerous times I prayed for C. I knew their mom was pregnant, but nobody even knew where she was, when she was due, if the baby would come into care, if we would even know about it when the time came, or able to take him in. I prayed for that baby. I prayed that the Lord would protect it, bring it safely to this world. That it would find a family that would love it as much as Z. I also told God that if he wanted me to be the mother of that child, I was on board for that. I was open to where he would lead us, and for him to work it out, I was leaving it totally in his hands. I had no idea what that day would hold when we went to court that day. Our baby T had left just 3 weeks earlier, we had taken a small family vacation, and we were taking a break, so we could focus on our emotions leading up to Z's termination. His dad was in the picture, and we didn't know how that was going to go.
When I look at the above photo, I think about the moment we heard C had been born. When my husband nudged me and said, "let's take that baby, that is what we should do, it is Z's brother". I knew the Lord had heard my prayers. I remember my excitement driving home from court, I couldn't wait to tell the kids about Z's little brother. I was beside myself. I walked in and said, "court went great, and guess what? Z's baby brother was born, and they are on the way bringing him to our house right now!" Oh the squeals and excitement!
I think about the months we fought so hard to keep these boys together, and I questioned myself, if I was being selfish, or if it really was the right thing. Look at this picture, of course it was the right thing. This little boy is loved and adored by so many people. I am so overwhelmed with emotion when I think of the life he could have had, if his mother hadn't made the decision she did, and I think about how much we love him. I am so glad the Lord guided us on this path.
Happy 11 month birthday little C! You have a lot of people to follow around, and you are well on your way to catching up! You never let me get far from you. You are right behind me, every step I take. You chase the vacuum cleaner and laugh the whole time. You have the most infectious laugh I have ever heard, and are super ticklish! You are getting so much personality, and I just love all your new antics. You looked at daddy today washing dishes, grinned real big, and said "dada!" You have also learned to say "uh-oh" and sometimes I think you even know what it means!
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