I don't talk about what Fetal Alcohol Sydrome means for us much. There are a few reasons for that. One reason is that when I blog, I am usually tired, so I choose to share pictures and tell stories, b/c I just can't bring myself to compose the words, or think deeply. Another reason, most of the literature about FAS is negative, and I just have to fight daily to let myself go there. Because it brings me down. The reality of my son's life is very disheartening, and for me to be a good mom, I have to just take each day as it comes. He brings us so many joys, and FAS can be a cloud that tries to overshadow that. I have 2 sons that came from the same mother, 1 begin diagnosed, and the other being in "positive monitor" status, meaning they/we are watching to see if he will have it to. My sons are 1, and 2. Two year old comes with enough trials without the looming thought of what the future holds, "if" we will ever conquer this stage. I do think about FAS a lot, all the time in fact, more than I want to. All day long I push it to the back of my brain so that I can parent how I need to, so I can enjoy all the sweet things they do. And finally, my words are very guarded after privacy issues we went through this summer. So many times I want to pour out my heart, but I hold back. When I created a new blog, I spent a lot of time thinking. Do I want to just spill my heart everyday about my negative feelings, or do I want to share photos of my children and stories with my friends and family. I chose the later, and b/c I am not writing 100% annonymously, I have to guard my words.
My 1 year old, is in a very cute stage right now. He and I both deserve for me to enjoy that, so therefore I try to keep it in. The reality folks, is that I am scared. Very scared. Scared of the future, scared of my abilities as a mother. I am so thankful for my love. For my undying, fight for you with all my might love that I have for my boys. I am so grateful for them in my life, they bring so much joy to our family. That is what I want to focus on.
Today I decided to open my heart, and my thoughts and share them. I have been jotting down notes as the morning went on, b/c I couldn't get to the computer. Then, I sat down, and read this post. At first I thought, "was she talking to me yesterday?" haha Really she could have. Please go read it, she describes my feeling so well.
Grief. I have read many articles about how parents "grieve" when their child is diagnoses with a lifelong condition/disability. I didn't grieve when Z was diagnosed. C hadn't even been born yet. I was in the throws of praying for my son's life, for a life with us. I accepted his diagnosis very well, and I think the Lord had a hand in that. My priorities were where they needed to be at the time. It was also an easy season with him at that time too. He was a very good baby, a good 1 year old too. That is what I needed, so that we could also accept and love C whole-heartedly from birth, without the fear of what could be to come. B/c we never know with any of our children what life may throw our way.
Now that we have all of the fear and drama behind us, and they are "our" children forever, I have more room in me to let this reality in. I do think I am grieving now. In small spurts anyway. I am sure his delayed "terrible twos" add to that. Now, when I read literature, I cry. I cry for my son. I cry for myself. I love him so much, and I love him for who he is, no question. But I also get tired, and heavy hearted.
5 comments:
I cry, too. Hugs to you. ♥
I cry. I grieve. Sometimes it is overwhelming. But she is mine and I will love her forever. I even stop actively grieving for a while. Then her peers hit another milestone and she is left behind again. The grief returns. I don't know if it ever really goes away. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Kari was talking about me as I am the Friend. Kari has known me and my son since he as 2 weeks old. We do not have a FAS diagnosis yet, but we do know he was prenatally exposed to alcohol and Meth in utero. I love my son and I cry for him and us all the time. I hear so often it is just the terrible two's. It is more. I am his mother and I know it is more. I just wish people would listen to a mothers intuition. For over a year we slept for 3 hours a night while he would either scream or want to be rocked. We went out to eat and left exhausted for trying to get him to sit and eat, not throw food, speak quietly. I would not change any of this though. I hold on everyday to the thought that God will not give me more than we can handle. My son came to our home at 4 days old, but he spent 9 months with him birth mom in utero. I cry daily. Hope this makes sense. It was a sleepless night here last night.
I have no words.. I have not been where you are. All I know is that I know how much you love all of your children and I know I would be afraid, too. We as mothers feel we SHOULD be able to take whatever situation our children are thrown and fix it.. make it right.. and make life easy for them. This is one of those things that you, as loving, caring, and intetional as you are, cannot fix for him and it must make your heart ache. I know that no matter what his future holds, it is SO much better than what was forecasted for him at birth. It is so much better than if you'd have said no to fostering him and he'd have gone from home, to home, to home. It is so much better because you rely on God, and only God can control this. Love you dear friend... no matter how afraid you are - you still choose to say yes to being his mother daily. I am so proud to know you!
I can't imagine. Wish I could give you hug.
Mandy -yes. Well said.
We have other friends who are dealing with the same thing. They have two of the four siblings that were removed, and the youngest girl was diagnosed with FAS. The days are full of joy, but also struggles.
God will give you the strength, as you need it. Daily manna.
I'm so proud to know you, too!!
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