He has a piece of my heart

Do you ever go back and read your old blog posts? I do...and get sucked in everytime. Each time I read them, and look at pictures, I am so glad I blog. I forget so much, the kids look older so quickly. Especially through our foster care journey. I am so glad I blogged then. I had a private blog, and when I redid my main blog, I consolidated 3 blogs into one, and then turned it all to private just for me to be able to see. I told my kids to give me just 30 mins to come in here and write my nightly blog, and I went back looking at archives b/c I wanted to talk about Baby T, and share some old posts, and next thing you know, I am completely sucked in, and my 30 mins have passed! haha The thing about reading some of my more personal posts, and thinking back on our harder times, I wonder how I survived that time, and think no wonder I still feel crazy, and struggle with strange emotions now. Our life really is easy right now compared to where we were a year ago, 2 years ago. But I have to say this...reliving the emotion, the hard times, and the good...I would not change one single thing. I would not choose the easy road.

I want to tell you a little bit about our baby T. Many of you were reading my blog when he lived with us, and some of you weren't. With all that has been on my mind though, I really need to talk about him because today, I cried. I mean, I was just cooking supper, minding my own business, and I started thinking about him. I was thinking about the good news I heard about him Saturday, and I just broke down and sobbed. The kind of crying that I had to put down my knife b/c I couldn't see to not chop off my finger crying.

When I told my kids the good news about T being adopted, I was smiling, and they smiled too, but I could also see sadness in their eyes. I told them that this was a good thing, and we should all be very happy for him. And we are. After I got really upset today though, I decided I needed to talk to them about it.  They did all say that they are sad b/c they are worried we won't be able to see him anymore, I am too.  One also admitted that she wish that it could be us that was adopting him.  Yep, baby, I do too.  I know that is why I was crying.  I wish that too.  I have wished that all along, but I do know that this will be so good for him.  I am not able to be the mom that his new mom will be able to be for him, and I know that is why everything has worked out as it has.  He is our family though, and we love him like he is.  I am glad that the kids and I are able to talk openly about how we feel about him.  I am just glad that we have all had the chance to love him, and that in our hearts, he will always be part of our family.  I want to share with you 2 blog posts that I wrote last October.  Ironically, our sweet baby C was born just 3 weeks after T left.  We had no idea at the time the plan that God had in place for these 2 little boys and our family.  God orchestrated this move for T so he could find his forever family, and so that we would be able to take in C, Z's bio brother, so that we would be able to be his forever family.  I see God's hand in everything that has happened, but I still have sadness for a little boy that I have loved.   He lived with us for 5 months, he came to our home when he was 3 months old.  Prior to that, he had been in the hosptial with a brain trauma as a result of abuse.  A severe brain trauma.  While he lived with us, he had some complications from his previous stay, and became very, very sick.  He was in the hospital for a month and half.  The kids and I loaded up and visited him everyday, except for when he was in ICU, they couldn't go with me.  He came home from the hospital still pretty sick, on a lot of meds, breathing treatments, feeding tube, and continued to decline developmentally.  I went to the doctor, hospital, and ER every single week, many weeks everyday or several times that week for 5 months.  All the while homeschooling.  I am not saying all that to say "look what I did".  Not at all.  Just telling our story leading up to my decision that I couldn't care for him anymore.  I have had to relive this many times to find peace in my heart.  I see many families with special needs children, and wonder if I was suppose to be one of those families.  Did I give up too soon?  I believe it was meant to be b/c we could never have taken C if T was still with us.  But then I have guilt for being able to adopt the healthy baby, while the not as perfect one lives in a nursing home.  I am telling you, I have been VERY hard on myself.  Even though over a year has past since he left, I have cried several times for him.  I will never forget the day I saw his "A Place to Call home" video on T.v. (you can click on the link to watch the video)  I was sobbing.  The kids asked why, and I told them it was b/c I love him so much.   

How can the anticipation of relief, be so painful

Friday, was the end of a very long and tough week. T was sick, or sicker than normal, and I was taking him to the doctor yet again. I hadn't had any sleep b/c he was up all night. You have just not been in a doc waiting room until you have been in the waiting room at Children's GPC clinic. Oh my. Crammed full of coughing, snotty, wild, crying kids. After being in the waiting room for 2 hrs, it had just deteriorated my mood that much more. Then, I saw the doctor, and she told that his fever wasn't high enough, (even though it was the temp every doc has told me to bring him in if he has b/c he has sickle cell), and that his lungs sound fine, so his cough he has had for 2 weeks....well just take him home and see if he gets worse. I-just-about-lost-it. I think she could tell, b/c I went on a rant, going back over all his symptoms again, empahsizing that he just isn't right. So, she finally goes and gets another doc that has seen him before to come look. He walks in, listens for 2 secs, and says, yes, he is definately wheezing. Then tells me I am the mom, and I should be able to tell....I said, "I DID! I came to the doc 2 weeks ago and told them he was wheezing, and they told me he wasn't". Geez.


I am sure that he could see my mood all over my face. He told me, "I meant what I said, the last time I saw you". Which was, that he things people that are willing to take care of special needs children are true angels in his book. That is really sweet, but the way I have been lately, I don't feel like I deserve that title at all. Anyway, I went on to tell him, Thank you, but that it has been really really hard lately. I just about started crying. So he told me he was going to get the social worker to call me and see if she could get me some help. Did she ever, she is my hero!! I had e-mailed my case worker on Thursday about needing respite, by Monday, I still hadn't heard from her. Funny, how the social worker called her, and my phone was ringing within 5 mins from my case worker, and now they are going to get right on getting me some help.

I talked a long time with the social worker about T's condition, future, and our family, and how him being here has affected me. I talked with my case worker as well. Both were very helpful and understanding. They called T's case worker and talked with her, and tomorrow, there is a meeting scheduled to discuss T's long-term health and care plan, and probably a move to a new home. Maybe even a nursing facility. I feel a small sense of relief, but a lot of guilt, and much sadness. I have been teary everytime I think about it today. I told Daddy C that I feel like a kid that got in trouble and is being called to the principal's office. Just b/c I made the decision that I can't keep him, doesn't make this any easier. Harder I think. I do feel a little peace though b/c it seems that the docs clinic is all in agreement, and going to bat for me saying that his care needs are very extensive, and it is too much for me. They agreed that he is indeed a full time job all on his own. They explained to T's caseworker that his condition will probably not improve. I have been trying to tell her that all along, and she brushes it off everytime, and acts like what is wrong with him is no big deal.


I saw photos of his brain MRI yesterday. Oh my. There are times when I am interacting with him that I think to myself, "is anybody home"? He seems so distant...his eyes have no expression to them. Now that I have seen his brain, I understand. His damage is very bad. I want to take his parents out, shake the crap out of them, and then they need to be shot. I think they should have to spend years in jail for what they did. They didn't kill him, but they did kill a big part of him. I hope they realize just the extent of what they did, and will live with that for the rest of their life, and wonder what their little boy would have been.

I do believe in miracles. I have seen cases where people have totally beat the odds with brain injuries....but I also see where he is at now, and that he is making very minimal progress, if any at all.

Please pray for me, and the doctors, and the decision that is made tomorrow, that it will be what is best for T, and for our family.

Update on T

After meeting with the doctor and caseworker last Friday, we decided that it would be best if T goes to a nursing facility. That is what I had hoped to keep him from going to, but he just has too many needs for another family to take him. With all his special needs, and medical conditions, the doctor suggested that the medical facility would be a good place for him. The case worker said it would be fine for us to visit anytime we want to. He will be going tomorrow. I think this is such an answer to prayers. Everyone has told me it is a miracle that he is going to be placed so quickly. I am glad b/c I have been teary most nights thinking about it, so I am ready to just get past this time.

I have had so many different emotions play out, and don't feel like rehashing them right now. It has been a relief to have different people reach out to me, and tell me I am doing the right thing. I have a friend I went to college with that used to work for DHS, and she said she had 3 children placed there, and that the facility where he is going, has true angels working there. I have heard great things about it. One of his daycare caretakers used to work there, and had great things to say about it.

I was reassured yesterday, when his daycare nurse told me, "I have been thinking about you, and T, and I think you are making the best decision for him". What she said means a lot to me b/c she was involved everyday with his care. I have LOVED his daycare, couldn't have asked for better. Such kind, and sweet people.

Another blessing about all this, was when the social worker from Children's hospital called to talk to T's caseworker, she explained just how bad his needs are, and I think it was a lightbulb going off for her. She hasn't realized all along just how bad he was. The good thing about the timing, it happened the day she went to court, and she testified that all of his suffering now, is a result of his head injury. That, along with the parents still not giving a straight story, the judge ordered to terminate parental rights.
The good news, this facility doesn't have to be permanent. My prayer is that he makes great progress, and that with the Heart Gallery and getting the word out, we can find him a great family that wants to adopt special needs. He is a precious, precious little boy, and I know there is a family out there waiting for him to be theirs.





These photos were taken last weekend when we went to Hot Springs just for a relaxing day. It was just what we needed. Even T seemed to enjoy it. I layed him on the blanket when we were having out picnic, and he was so content. It was a beautiful day, and the fresh air was good for all of us.